I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
