i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
