Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
