you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
