I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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