You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
