i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
