Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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