I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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