The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
