I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
