Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
