Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
