your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
