i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she smelled like a LAN party
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
