I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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