Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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