Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
