WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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