Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
