i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
