At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
