yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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