Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
