Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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