if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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