I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
