I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
