Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Randomize
