Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
