Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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