btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
