he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
