I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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