I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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