we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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