You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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