Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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