Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
