Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
