My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
