I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize