U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
