He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she looked like the before picture.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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