Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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