i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
