it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
