i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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