My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
