Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
