evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize