4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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