very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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