Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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