So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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