she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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